Ken Hurley
I'd horsewhip you if I had a horse. – Groucho Marx
Brevity is the soul of lingerie. – Dorothy Parker
I remember the last time I walked onto a stage to a standing ovulation like it was never. I oozed an aura of marination that radiated as I held some scribbled paper notes in my hand that turned out to be tearable. I was bound to be bound to my commitment to offer a few short remarks, regardless of how riddled with distinction my notes were or how I felt the audience couldn't even read at a fifth-grade level. I had a tailor do some altercations to my best suit so I would look good in front of the kindergarteners. I was asked to address my words to a young crowd of fidgetbusters who, after they heard my address, sought redress and sanctioned me to address why dresses are impotence. I wanted to bolt fast from there, but my feet felt as if they were held fast and bolted to the stage. One of the little cherubs sitting up front pointed out the pencil I was holding had no point to it. Another yelled, “Like your speech!”
This may be punbelievable but the kids loved paronomasia, even if none of them could spell it, pronounce it, or knew what it means. Yet they seemed to instinctively recognize a parody on actual substance which one day may become a meme.
After my diabolical with the munchkins, I walked to see my friend Barry Barista, a bone-vide gastronome who works in a bakery. I kneaded something delicious and I knew Barry was not one to loaf around. Barry's bakery was open, a haven of sweets, where treats abound and your taste buds meet. Barry Barista is a master of dough, who always welcomes you in, with a friendly "Hello!" I dough think I've ever seen a batter foray of treats. I found what I came for and I wasn't scone anywhere. Barry poured both of us a brew-tiful cup of steamy piping hot lava, which helped percolate our thoughts as we were raisin a toast‐ed egg sandwich to accompany a chocolate croissant. Egg-cellent!
Barry asked, “What do you call a lazy kangaroo? A pouch potato! He said before I could blink-a-wlink. So my reply was, “What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh. It felt like a bread new day. Then it was time for a slice of fruit-filled delight, so apple-ing and berry delicious, a crusty beautiful sight. Just before it was too late but after it was just in time, Barry belted out in a masterful Broadway baritone voice, “Girl On Fire!” A troubadorable performance.
The word "paronomasia" derives from the Greek words "para" (beside) and "onoma" (name). Essentially, it means "beside the name," or "near the name," referring to the sonic proximity of words the foundation upon which a pun is built, which creates a cognitive dissonance that the listener or reader must resolve. Even, if not only occasionally, leading to amusement, confusion, or a moinful groin.
Homophones — words that sound the same but have different meanings like, A bicycle can't stand on its own because it's too tired.
Homographs, words spelled the same but with different pronunciations and meanings, also provide ground for puns. The famous line, "Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana." More subtly, puns can employ words that are homonyms, meaning they sound and are spelled the same, but have different meanings. For example, I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down! Or, A bat flew out of a cave and hit a ball.
Consider the famous pun: Why don't scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything! Similarly, a joke that says, I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.
Of course, delivery is key. Most of this type of paronomastic jibbitty-jabber is best said aloud. Timing, inflection, and the overall tone of the interaction play a crucial role in the success of the pun. Puns rely on ambiguity, pattern recognition, cognitive fluency, and a degree of social intelligence — which is not needed while reading this piece of chit.
It goes without saying, so I will write it. While some people a-door puns and other wordplay, not everyone thinks puns and wordplay are punny. I'm told some strange people find them tiresome, predictable, and even irritating. Some individuals may be less sensitive to the subtle nuances of language, while other strange people may find the cognitive effort required to decipher a pun too demanding.
To paraphrase some words of the Sweet Swan of Avon, I offer: “Why did Puck cross the road? He saw someone he knew Oberon the other side.” And, “Did you hear about the chicken who walked out of a production of Hamlet? He heard somebody threaten to murder most fowl.” And finally, I have been Bard from making any more Shakespearean puns, regardless how puntastic they might be. You're welcome. Paronomasia not only includes puns, but double entendres, paraprosdokians, spoonerisms, malapropisms, homographs, homophones, megaphones, and more. One of those words is not like the others.
See you later, elevator.
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