Ken Hurley
Sorry about that, Chief – Maxwell Smart“
What do you mean I should apologize? You should apologize!” “Meee? No way. You started it. It's your fault. You should apologize to me.”
. “How could it be my fault? You know what you did.”
. “I'm waiting. Go ahead. Apologize.”
. “No. You.”
. “Oh no. You!”
. “You!” .
. “OK. I'll apologize when you apologize.”
. “Never!”
. “Come on. On the count of three. 1, 2, … 2-½, … 3!
. Scowling, arms folded, silence.A genuine apology is not as simple as it may seem. A sincere apology can mend fractured relationships, promote deeper understanding, and seek reconciliation; but in the process, may leave one feeling a bit diminished and vulnerable. Conversely, a poorly executed, insincere, or false apology can exacerbate conflict, deepen emotional wounds, and create resentment.
. The distinction between a genuine and a false apology stems from authentic remorse and a sincere desire to repair the harm caused. A genuine apology acknowledges the wrongdoing, expresses regret for the actions, and takes responsibility without making excuses or minimizing the impact of the perceived infraction. A genuine apology often includes a commitment to change future behavior and a willingness to make amends.
. A genuine apology for accidentally breaking a Ming Dynasty vase might include acknowledging the mistake (“Whoopsie.”), expressing regret for the damage (Oh no! Was that your Ming Dynasty vase?”), or offering to replace the vase (“Jeezus, that's got to be expensive. Or is it priceless? Irreplaceable? Let's file an insurance claim.”) And, assuring that greater care will be taken in the future. (Sniffling. “If you never want to see me again Mom, I'll understand. And, I promise not to play Frisbee inside ever again.”) Authenticity is what makes remorse palpable.
. In contrast, a false apology, also known as a non-apology, lacks genuine remorse, can be manipulative in an effort to deflect blame, minimize the harm caused, or avoid taking responsibility. The "I'm sorry you feel that way" apology shifts the focus from the act to the recipient's perception rather than the infraction. The non-apology avoids acknowledging wrongdoing or the harm caused. Similarly, the "I'm sorry if I offended you" apology is conditional, suggesting that the apologetic person only apologizes if the offense was perceived to be a mistake. The "I'm sorry, but…" apology immediately follows the apology with an excuse or justification, negating the initial expression of remorse. These faux apologies often leave the recipient feeling unheard, dismissed, and further hurt.
. It is important to consider the context, the apologetic's sincerity, and the perception in evaluating the effectiveness of an apology. Remember the disastrous apology by Bill Clinton for his affair with Monica Lewinsky after he first lied about it? He finally admitted wrongdoing, but his apology lacked genuine remorse and was more focused on self-justification.
. Sometimes apologies are merely reflexive. “Oooh, sorry.” Smile. How many times have you pushed a grocery cart around an aisle and a surprised glazed-eye shopper didn't expect you to make the turn. “Oooh, sorry” as if they have never been in a grocery store before. Next time you're pushing a grocery cart, count how many times you hear or say, "Sorry.”
. There are also those unfortunately situated humans who seem to blame themselves for things out of their control and will even apologize to people who abuse them; where their apology amounts to a plea for mercy. “I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm really sorry! I'll never do that again. Please don't. Please! Please don't. Please don't hurt me again.” Is it true that an unjust apology tends to become exploitative by an abuser?
. A well-known apology is Plato's novel, The Apology of Socrates, although this is not a genuine apology as we think of an apology today. Maybe it can be summarized as "Sorry, but you're wrong.”
. Plato's Apology offers a Socratic dialogue in defense of Socrates against the charges of "corrupting the youth" and not believing in the gods of Athens. Plato was at the trial, so his dialogue depicts Socrates' words, arguing for his beliefs and actions; that he was unjustly accused and condemned. Plato describes how Socrates defends himself against the accusations, arguing that he is innocent of the charges, and that he is being persecuted for his philosophical inquiries. Socrates does not admit guilt or express regret or remorse for his actions. He stands firm on the importance of questioning and seeking truth, even if it means challenging established beliefs. The dialogue, as written by Plato, is presented as a record of Socrates' speech at his trial. It's also likely that Plato's admiration for his teacher, Socrates, skewed his perspective, as he also used The Apology to further Plato's own philosophical views. You know, the notion that the unexamined life is not worth living. During the 1980s there was an 800# in New York City known as the Apology Line, hosted by Mr. Apology. People could call in anonymously and "apologize for their wrongs against people without jeopardizing themselves.” Due to its popularity, the 800# remained in service for 15 years. Anyone could call and listen to recordings of apologies – including for murder.
. A written apology can offer a more considered and detailed expression of remorse, allowing for careful reflection and a more structured approach to addressing the harm caused. A verbal apology, while potentially more timely and personal, can be less effective if delivered poorly or without sufficient thought.
. I remember a time when I was in 4th grade playing in Devil's Pit, which was scrub land with trees in a large open crevasse adjacent to a golf course. I played there often.
. One afternoon I was there with a 5th grader who tried to teach me how to smoke a cigarette. Brand of choice was Kent III. I couldn't do it. Made me cough. Then I watched him light a match to a dead discarded dried brown Christmas tree branch, and amazingly, with lightning-fast reflexes he clapped out the fire flare on the dead discarded dried out Christmas tree branch with his bare hands. Well, I was impressed! The next day I went to the same dead discarded dried out Christmas tree and decided to try the same clap-out-the-fire-flare stunt. But, whoopsie! I froze. The fire flare was fast and intense. I stood stunned. I couldn't clap it out. So, in my 4th-grade mind, I thought I could blow out the flames by holding the flaming dried dead Christmas tree by the trunk and waving it in the air. I was wrong. This was dumb. All this did was inflame the tree branches above me. So, I dropped the burning dead Christmas tree, which exploded into a huge firecracker blaze when it hit the ground. I ran home in panic mode. I hid inside while it seemed like the entire town gathered to watch the fire department put out the fire. Everyone but me. This caused my mother to be suspicious. Why wasn't I outside watching the spectacle with everyone else? She confronted me. At first I acted blasé. “Oh, I have homework to do.” But she wasn't buying it. She got me to confess and tell her what happened. I was punished in ways that might get a parent in big trouble today. Fortunately, the quick actions of the fire department doused the scrub fire. No adjacent homes were damaged. No lawsuits were filed. No financial restitution was required. One good thing that I learned in 4th grade was the value of an authentic apology. I was taken to each house that might have been affected by the fire. Knocked on their door. Introduced myself, told them the story, apologized for causing all the trouble, and said I would never do that again. I was also taken to the fire chief and apologized to him in a similar manner for my poor judgment. He lectured me — in a kind way. The Mel Brooks television show Get Smart had not debuted yet. Good thing too. I might have said, “Sorry about that, Chief.”
. What I learned in 4th grade was that for an apology to be effective, it must also be accepted. The fire chief and the three homeowners I apologized to were gracious, understanding, and forgiving, while also firm in their admonitions regarding the dangers of playing with matches.
. I left that experience with a whirlwind of emotions. The feelings I remember were a sense of wonderful relief and an inner calm that made me aware that mistakes can be a learning opportunity.
. I also remember the first time I was called Mr. Hurley. It came from a 5th grader. Thing is, I was only in 6th grade. The kid who called me Mr. Hurley had wit beyond his years. He went on to be a world-renowned neurosurgeon, specializing in brain trauma. Sorry, but I digress.
. How many people do you know who often begin a sentence with “I'm sorry but...” Or, “I apologize in advance…” Yet really have nothing to be apologetic for?
. Well, one thing I know, I had a fun time playing the board game Sorry. Still do – with the kids, of course.
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