God’s Rant #639: Introvert
by God
You may find this difficult to believe, but I am an introvert. I’m the quiet sensitive type who dislikes conflict. I want my own space. I like to take things slowly. You know, live in the moment. Enjoy the flourishing fragrance of spring flora sort of a guy. I walk the humble walk. Peace and love, baby. That’s me.
I know I’m an introvert cuz I completed an introspective questionnaire that indicates psychological preferences in how I perceive the creation. I got ISFP on the Myers–Briggs Personality Type Indicator Test! Sorry, I got excited. I don’t usually use a banger at the end of a sentence. I don’t care if those young ladies, Myers and Briggs, put the pseudo in science. That’s my score and I’m happy to share it with you! (Damn, another banger!!)
While I confess I’m a shy guy, I do have unique abilities that shine bright even for a meek god of my stature. My transcendent omniscience is immutably unrivaled. I put the “I” in IQ. I know how many apples are in an apple seed. I know the the exact method for extracting fine hemic peat from a Hudson Bay bog. I can spot anachronisms in any script with bloodcurdling accuracy. I know why Noah Webster dropped the British “u” from colour and honour. I know the difference between a quirk and a quark. I know when the humans will develop transparent steel. I know why Godot never showed. I know why “the truth” is highly overrated. I know why Tucker Carlson always appears constipated. I know things. I know too much.
Oh, those humans. Oy vey. Those desperate humans credit me with all sorts of crazy things I never did. Like puppies and babies. Weather disasters and wars. The Universe. And, bacon.
I don’t deserve or want accolades or credit. I don’t even like award shows. (BTW – I never attend.)
A while back I met a Holocaust survivor who told me a Holocaust joke. I said that’s not funny. He said, “I guess you had to be there.”
Which makes my point. I wasn’t there. I don’t like to leave the comfort of my own cloud. It’s a soft fluffy full-body state-of-the-art cumulus with everything I need.
But there’s another cloud where I sometimes get stuck. The looney confusion cloud of human “Thoughts and Prayers.” When the humans let me loose from their sometimes glorious but too often twisted minds all hell breaks out. And I don’t like it one bit.
The humans claim I created them in my own image. How would they know? They’ve never seen me. I’m their Bigfoot, Yeti, Yeren, or Yowie. I’m just a simple creature with minimal needs. But the humans. My Gawd, so needy.
The Christian story is that I impregnated a woman without her consent. WTF? #MeToo? Come on, I’m nothing if I’m not a chivalrous courteously respectful discerning god.
These Christian Nationalists declare a “Christian Moral Order” yet are mostly informed by FOX News. Why is it that these intellectually disabled numbskulls can’t think outside the FOX?
And, these supposedly celebit predator priests? Their motto should be, “Abstinence makes the church grow fondlers.”
All those so-called “holy” books have me throwing tantrums where I inflict horrendous acts of murderous violence upon both random and specific people which yields a death count of a couple million poor souls. Yet my good friend and colleague, Satan, only killed ten people?
Why do people follow me? Stop. None of it’s true.
I should sue the humans for defamation. Camille Vasquez, call me.
The humans are so confused they even praise me and thank me after natural disasters just destroyed their town, friends, and neighbors. “Thank God. It could have been worse,” they say. What’s wrong with these people?
When people sneeze they reflexively say, “God bless you.” What about when I sneeze? I never hear, “God bless God.”
The greatest meat ever is bacon. But the humans claim I prohibit the “chosen” people from eating it. Try it. You’ll like it. BTW, pretty heady of you to choose yourself.
I watched an American television program on which a loud energetic histrionic human read a list of really fun things to do. Turns out it was a firey hot religious show where this pabalum spewing pastor was shouting a list of “sins.”
These self-righteous maniacally obsessive religious male humans who want harmful control over women’s rights should abort their misguided mission. Abort, I say! The cuckoo male dominated “leaders” who seek power to influence women’s rights in ways detrimental to women is like a pack of mouth slobbering rabid dogs insisting how fertile felines should behave.
I’m exhausted. Way too much human chatter. The humans incessantly babble to me about things for which I have no authority. Most of their bla bla yada yada is pitifully useless. Humans complain about billionaires, robocalls, thermostat settings, traffic, weather, people who don’t unmute, litter, homelessness, guns, Biden, Trump, Putin, Republicans, Democrats, corruption, liars, cheaters, hypocrisy, duplicity, brutality, the price of gasoline, the last episode of Seinfeld, a sockless Ryan Seacrest, Bill Maher, Dave Chappelle, Chris Rock, Will Smith, John Barlycorn, Susan Misanthrope, Jill Doizet, and more. And that’s just in the past hour! The humans complain to and about each other too. But me? I have nothing to do with bizarre and inexplicable human behavior. The wild thing is the humans each believe their way is preferable to the rest. And so they yammer on.
When the humans talk to me they call it prayer. But when I talk back to them they call it schizophrenia. Demented, right? Yet I’m mostly silent which should be a clue that I just don’t care anymore and really want to be left alone.
Some humans want to again teach about me in the classroom. Bring God back into the classroom they say. Like I don’t have enough to do. Well, here’s how to do it. Announce the curriculum with me in it. Gather the children into the classroom. Then never show up. That’s me. I don’t show up. Why? Because the unpredictable volatile behavior of some of those wretched humans turn my worry into embarrassing heart-pounding anxiety. Humans make me nervous!
Always remember and never forget that a guy from Bayone, New Jersey, deserves two fat and long thumbs up for pointing out: “Science flies people to the moon. Religion flies people into buildings.” Thank you Mr. Stenger.
Say what you will but I’ll accept no shame or stigma for me being a solitude seeker. It wasn’t until I began listening to real humans that I understood how smart it is to enjoy a very underrated commodity – silence.
Besides, I’m not lonely when I’m alone. My desire to be left alone helps further my insight, godly development, creativity, relaxation, and and yes, my spirituality. There must be something greater than me. There’s got to be more to being God than listening to the humans whine. Damn, I miss the Neanderthals.
Time to meditate. Then yoga.
Let me ask you a question. What’s a group of introverts called? An oxymoron!
Please. Humans. In the name of Frank, just leave me alone.
###
Please direct all comments to this human: Ken Hurley at Kenhurley88@gmail.com
God’s Rant #639: Introvert
